Dear Amy,

　　My in-laws are all the products of failed marriages, so there are blood relatives and step relatives to deal with on both sides of the aisle.

　　For years, my in-laws have told my children that my wife's stepmother's grandchildren are their cousins.

　　This alone is not true, since these kids are only involved in our lives due to marriage. I just keep talking to my kids and explaining to them the way the family tree works and that these kids are not their cousins.

　　At one point, my oldest son got mad and told one of these kids that he was not his real cousin, and then my in-laws confronted my son about what he said. They were apparently upset about it.

　　Amy, I am not going to create a world that does not exist. They are stuck on taking in these kids that have zero actual blood relation to them at all.

　　I stand my ground on this, and my wife just thinks that I am being an ass. Your thoughts?

　　　　　　Disturbed Dad

　　　　　　 Disturbed Dad,

　　Before you spend the rest of your life carefully studying a family tree at every potluck dinner, remember that "family" isn't some exclusive club that you get to join by having two or more of the same biological relatives.

　　People in highly functioning and inclusive families will tell you that all you have to do to be a part of any family is to be considered part of the family. This means being included, regardless of your biological status, and reveling in relationships that are auntlike, grandparent-like or cousinlike. It is wise to explain truthfully all of these many and varied relationships to your children, but to use loaded terms like "real family" only underlines your emotional ignorance about relationships.

　　Your in-laws are doing a wonderful thing accepting these children, so put down the genealogy chart and apologize. After all, if we follow your logic, then your in-laws shouldn't be accepting you as family either; you aren't related to them by blood, so you aren't their "real family."

　　The good news is, if you continue to treat your wife's family this way, you won't have to worry about keeping the blood relatives and the step-relatives in this family straight - given your lack of good manners, these family members might disregard you in favor of someone who is more open, accepting and inclusive.

Amy 3. The Disturbed Dad's in-laws were upset because _______.